“Sticks and Stones Will Break My Bones, But…” Words Can Also Cause Big Problems

Below is the transcript of a video which you can find here.

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You know the saying, “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me?”

No question: sticks and stones can cause a lot of damage.  

But the idea that words can’t hurt… this could not be more wrong.   

Words, both positive and negative, are so powerful.  They can inspire or discourage us.  I’m sure each of us can recall many occasions when the words of another— perhaps a friend, loved one, teacher, or even a public figure— motivated or demotivated us.  And sadly, I bet most if not all of us have places inside that still hurt when we recall some of the not-so-nice things that others have said to us.  

But what about negative words we direct at ourselves—or shall I say the words with which we attack ourselves.  Just like other peoples’ words, what we tell ourselves can lift us up or drag us down.   Many studies show that negative self-talk can harm our health in so many ways.  And studies also show a link between self-compassion and better health.  

There are so many ways we attack ourselves with our words.  Sometimes we say “I’m no good”, “I’m not good enough” “I can’t do this”.  Or we make a mistake and berate ourselves saying “that was stupid of me”. And we say it in a way that says we are bad overall instead of a more self-compassionate and upbeat “whoops look at that mistake, how can I do it better next time”.  Some of us are perfectionists and beat ourselves up when we fall short because we may be driven by the feeling inside that “I’m no good if I make a mistake.”   

And what about when we try really hard, but something doesn’t work out, and we blame ourselves by saying “I didn’t try hard enough.”  Or we say “I’m happy” when we really aren’t.  In fact, often underlying the insincere “I’m happy” is the feeling deep down that “I don’t deserve to be happy”.   This kind of thinking only limits how happy we ultimately can be.  

Sadly, sometimes when we are ill, our self-talk makes it worse.  We may think “I deserve to be sick,” or “this is just my lot in life.  How big a self-fulfilling prophesy do you think this mind-set is? 

There are many methods for improving how we talk to ourselves.  For now, let me share just one, but I think it may be the most powerful to the extent we can step into it

Many Spiritual traditions teach that our very humanity is why we all make mistakes, and lots of them.  And our mistakes confirm only that we human… not that we are bad or undeserving.   

We make these mistakes so we can learn and grow so we can be healthier and happier.   And the more we practice and are able to live with this mindset of self-compassion, the more we free ourselves to be productive, happier, and healthier.

I send my best wishes to all